mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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Kind of like the Testical Festival, without all the meat

Lordy, an update!

This weekend was the beginning of the film festival. When it comes to events like this, hanging with posh people who really know how to sip champagne, I freeze up. I'm more of a beer swiller and spiller. So I needled my way out of attending Zsa Zsa and Franz's movie and legged it down to the pub to listen to my ex's list of complaints about life and his cat.

I didn�t know the list would be so long, or I might�ve chosen the movie gala thingy.

"My cat hates me because he's been leaving sick all over the house"

"my father hates me because he sings karaoke all the time when he knows I can't stand it"

*yawn*

7 hours yawned by and I was starting to hallucinate, seeing Lourdes Ciccione in front of me in the pub, when finally the girls came over from the film festival with half of the actors in tow. I have about as much use for actors as I do for a baking pan. meh.

Predictably, Zsa Zsa threw herself all over the lead actor and snuck back to his hotel room long after we threw in the towel for a visit to the Falafel & Sex Hut (free blow jobs with every donair).

I woke up Sunday morning to a breathless message on my voicemail: "I've just had the most amazing sex of my life and I don't think the bruises will heal soon!"

Egad, then she rang me at work yesterday afternoon:

"we need to talk. I will pay for your drinks"

done and done

5:30pm at the Shrunken Head Pub, and Zsa Zsa is now obsessed with that actor man and going into heavy detail about how she's just discovered that painful sex can be good "wanna see my bruises?"

"errr....ummm....sure"

In a desperate attempt to divert the conversation onto something else, I ask her to suggest something for me to write about in my diary. When your mind is as busy as Rosie O'Donnell in a Dunkin' Donuts, it's hard to focus on one thing long enough to develop it.

Zsa Zsa suggested I write about my black hole: it�s a black hole spray-painted onto the pavement, an arrow pointing to it "The End of the World � Watch Your Step". I hopped over the black hole just in case.

This made us start going off about our collections of found objects; I used to have a passion for collecting lost pet posters until angry bystanders made me stop; I still have my favourite Lost Keys poster in my bedroom:

KEY RING LOST!! SOMEWHERE AROUND 4TH STREET. I lost my key ring around here on Friday September 5. It is an Iron Maiden key ring with a rabbit's foot attached and a Gremlin car key and a name tag that says "Jimbo". Please return my keys!! sentimental value!!!!!!

....a glass beaker full of rocks picked off nude beaches; pill bottles full of air from the Caribbean; surgical implements used for appendectomies on my sister's teddy bears; religious icons, including a virgin mary vodka bottle (her head unscrews). Zsa Zsa collects facial expressions from strangers and keeps them all in her head.

9:43 p.m. - 2004-09-28

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