mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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the rules of attraction

A few months ago J-Rod waited til we'd all had a few drinks then finally admitted that it was her putting those anonymous articles in the paper entitled "The Rules of Dating". Inspired by her ambition to catalogue every DO and DON'T in dating, we pooled our years of woesome dating experience to make a full, unabridged list. We got as far as Rule #14 before we completely forgot why I was writing on a cocktail napkin.

In the clear light of day, I realize that my friends have had such bad dating luck that their rules don't apply to just about anybody you could scrape out from under any rock.

Case in point:

Rule #1: Never date anybody who would trade you to his best friend on a houseboating trip.

Rule #2: Never date a man named Casper.

Rule #3: Nobody from B.C. - they're probably running a grow op in their basement.

I mean really? Who could this be useful to, except J-Rod's twin in a parallel universe?

Not that J has low standards, she just has a very wide dating pool. Ginger offered up a few of his own dating bylaws, but his last girlfriend was medicated and their relationship ended with him trying to throw knives at her balcony and shaking his fist menacingly in an effort to maim her from a very long distance (she wasn't actually home at the time).

As far as I'm concerned, "owns soap" and "walks upright" should just about do it for my requirements.

The other day my flatmate came home from her 14 hour day on the movie set, sat down with a ciggie and started to tell me about her day at work. She'd recounted stories to me about just about every member of the cast/crew since they started shooting 2 months ago, so I was waiting for some gruesome gossip about the underbelly of the movie industry.

All I got was a sweet little story about some cameraman who flies his girlfriend over from Surrey every other weekend to be with him. Apparently he's quite cute and she's really pretty blah blah blah. Then she paused and said "I never really looked at her closely until today when I saw her arm. ummm she has a normal arm from the elbow up, but the rest is withered and paralyzed" Sad indeed.

Franz: "Isn't it wonderful that he doesn't notice her disability and loves her no matter what?"

Onion: Huh? I don't think you're looking at this from the right perspective. Do you know what this means? This means that there are girls out there with a withered arm that can find a boyfriend and we can't. There must be something deeply wrong with us"

Only Mark Leyner could offer any useful advice for my new fear:

QUOTATION 'Look, Joe, there are all kinds of women, and I truly believe that there's someone out there for everyone. Just take a look at some of these personals ads here.'

I reached across the bar for the newspaper.

'For example, look at this one: 'Do you wear peasant blouses and billowy gypsy skirts? I'm a drooling, catheterized, cataract-eyed white supremacist from Baton Rouge who has three to four lucid hours a day. Let's go underground where Zionist water fluoridators and Russian space debris can't find us.'

'What do you want to bet that this guy gets a couple of hundred responses?'END QUOTE

8:14 p.m. - 2004-08-19

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