mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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E-Mails from Jimbo

To get myself ready for London, I've been looking over ancient e-mails from Jimbo and sniggering to myself like one of those mad villains in movies "mwahahahahahaha!"

When I moved back to Canadia, I'd accidentally left a denim skirt at his flat. I'd been e-mailing him for 6 months begging to get that damn skirt mailed to me; he, meanwhile, was listing all the society pages which photographed him at this and that movie premiere, wearing my goddamn skirt! Here is his reply to my latest threat:

To My Darling Onion,

You don't know how you and that denim skirt have touched my life. As a result of your accidentally leaving that skirt at my studio apartment in Marble Arse that saturday afternoon, I have discovered true happiness and am now a permanent fixture at the 'El Mallacka Dragooosh' drag club on the Edgeware Road. I'm even hosting my own denim night...you'd be surprised at what some of those Arab men wear underneath their robes.

Aaaaah Onion. Thank you so much. I've realised that this is all I've been looking for in life. The love of a good woman's skirt. And yay! I've found it. All thanks to my dear old pal in Canadia. I'm hoping to tour with my act, so who knows? One day you might see a poster of me outside your local bingo club, with a huge smile on my face, a big blonde wig and your denim skirt wrapped glamorously around my body. Don't fret though, you'll get a small mention in the show.

Anyway, enough about me and MY skirt...kidding! YOUR skirt. I'm glad to hear that you are spending every waking moment logged on to the internet. Well, it's Mardi Gras this weekend. That's right...a few gazillion poofs blowing each other off in the bushes of Finsbury Park. Obviously I'm going. Kylie's hosting!

The thought of your nephew thinking that I'm your boyfriend warms my heart. It always was a dream of mine....so don't tell him otherwise. Just try and keep your affair with Swedish Jeff under wraps. Gasp! Those biceps. Try and get a picture...a polaroid...anything.Talking of biceps, I saw Robert on Tuesday just before he jetted off to Cairo. He's just cut his hair and I had to point out the bits he'd missed. Do you think he'll ever pay for a haircut? Ever?

Anyhoo Onion, I start work at Anonymous Films on Monday. That's quite exciting. I've got the Internet right there on my desk, so I'll be able to e-mail you 100 times a day! Yay!

Take care...keep the fashion gossip coming. Now I'm a movie mogul, I may have to ditch Vogue for Variety. God forbid.

Love you!

J. Spielberg

>From: Onion

>To: Jimbo

>Subject: Smartass!

>>

>Dearest James,

>

>My fingers bled for days after writing that painfully long letter. I hope you appreciate the lurve that went into it. Why I'm not dating Brad Pitt at the moment; we've decided to take a break from eachother for a while.

>

>BTW, WHERE'S MY FUCKING SKIRT? A gentle breeze of a hint for you there.

>

>

>And...just a thought, why do you have pus-filled boils coming out of your throat in that photo? Have you been hanging around the Black Cap again? Keep your tongue to yourself! Dale could use that bit of advice too, but I'm keeping my trap shut, because you know I abhore gossip.

>

>It's been quiet (still) in Canadia, but I'm keeping myself occupied spreading evil in my spare time. I've been sending the editor of Fashionwhore annoying e-mails, signed by Diane von Furstenberg. Then I found Walter's Mission on the internet. You have to read it for yourself-it's about a very spotty teenage boy who needs 1 million hits on his site before some girl will pop his cherry.

There are banners that his readers have sent in, and the guestbook is the best! I signed in a message on June 23, claiming to be an inmate at Holloway Prison. I informed Walter I would shag him for free as soon as I get a weekend parole.

The next time I checked this site a few days later, he'd posted a new message to readers, telling them that Mizz Onion from London was flying over to shag him. Of course they used a false picture, but it's me on that website.

>

>

>And doesn't life get stranger and stranger...

>

>Oh James, my nephew thinks you're my boyfriend and I don't have the heart to tell him you're a poof. Just send me some love poems, wrapped up carefully in, shall we say, a denim skirt, and post off to me as soon as poss.

>

>

>PS. No, the Kylie single hasn't reached N. America yet, NSync dominate the world over here. But funnily enough, Westlife are about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting American public. They deserve the suffering!

>

>

>Still gorgeous and wraithlike and not smoking, Onion

9:05 a.m. - 2004-08-12

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