mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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makes me want to tie some antlers on a beagle and sneak down to whoville under cover of darkness

Christmastime. meh.

Not my sort of holiday as there's no call for toilet papering the neighbour's trees.

I haven't started Christmas shopping yet, out of my deeply ingrained survival instinct that keeps me away from shopping malls, hot stove elements and wet cats.

Mum:
hmmmm....last year my sister and I sent her to Ottawa to visit her sister (who she despises) and she hasn't quite forgiven us for that yet. We even had to escort her to the airport and push her through the Departures Gate. Right til the bitter end the woman kept begging us "do I have to go?" and "can't you girls get a refund?" sissy.

Dad:
He's completed his Clint Eastwood movie collection on VHS and DVD, I'm not sure there's anything left that he needs.
Conclusion: Dad needs a Playstation!

Sister:
When you're the dark mistress of the engineering underworld, you need a lot of accessories to maintain that supercool image.
Conclusion: will buy her some pocket protectors and a new scientific calculator she can use to impress the geeks at the office.

Nephew:
He's off in a communist country right now, helping the disadvantaged so any post sent to him will inevitably be searched and eaten by hungry communists.
Conclusion: will buy him that pop-up version of The Engels Reader.

Andy:
Sock monkey of himself made with my own sticky fingers. Used this for inspiration. His little monkey is holding a stack of money in its clawed hand because Andy is a banker of some kind. My eyes glaze over when he tries to explain derivatives to me so this will make up for all those blank moments when I didn't know what the hell he was on about.

Craig:
What to buy a ceramics guy? hmmmmmm
A mug?
Conclusion: a Franklin Mint porcelain figurine of Condoleeza Rice, as he will appreciate the "exquisite craftsmanship and precise detail of the lovingly applied lead-based paint" on these damn things.

Crispy:
What to get a drunken college student with a fetish for Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle?
Giftio: an asthma puffer and some thick glasses

Dale:
The swishiest man in Perth. Drunker than most. He still hasn't sent me those cheese Twisties I asked for ages ago.
Conclusion: rainbow striped Tums

Stu:
What do you buy a man who owns more porn than I've had hot dinners?
Conclusion: informative pamphlets from The Church of the Latter Day Saints.

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Side note: I think I got knocked up on the bus home today. Between the woman sat next to me - with an odour reminiscent of wet dog about her - who had her arm around me AND the Willie Nelson lookalike stood in front of me - with no less than 7 scrunchies needed to hold his ponytail - with his leg between my knees, rubbing and rubbing for ages. Somewhere down the bus route I'm sure I was molested.

8:39pm - 2004-11-29

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