mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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Go on, I won't tell a soul

After spending the morning trying to convince Crispy that she is not, in fact, a bottle of lemon fresh antibacterial household cleaner, I tried to get back to work.....aka...my job.

The bastard managers don't seem to believe that I was ill on Monday, after producing my ultrasound scan, my prescription stomach pills and my blood test forms.....in their sad little minds they imagine me wild-eyed and drunk, dancing naked on the hood of a Firebird at a Monster Truck Rally....muttering to myself "fuck work! I'm staying for the next Wet T-shirt Giveaway!"

The other office people couldn't wait for me to return though, waiting with their barrage of stories about their a)mystery rash, b)DNA test results from Maury Povich, c)new boyfriend's goatee.

I have somehow become the vessel of all office secrets. Why do they trust me? Why do deer stand sideways when they see an oncoming car? My friends know I'm the very last person to be sharing scandalous secrets with; let's just say that I have accidentally broken up friendships from 5000 kilometres away by opening up my big fat gob.

So since I'm forbidden to speak of these secrets with any humanoid form for the rest of my sentient life (there is a clause about me living in a vegetative state and not being responsible for any gossip I might let slip) I thought it wouldn't be cheating if I just put it up on the internet for random strangers to read. It'll make me feel a whole lot better anyway.

1) Kiki's friend hadn't had a shit for about 2 weeks. She had horrible stomach pains and radioactive gas emanating from her Levi's. The scan revealed that she was literally full of shit; up to her armpits, her body was full of shit.

2) Del accidentally/on purpose shagged a man that her childhood friend, Melinda had her sights on for a whole 2 weeks.

3) Gary told me last night that all my girlfriends were giving him "the eye" on Friday night at the pub. He says they're all wanton hussies; I say he's bitter since hasn't gotten laid in months.

4) Nick's cousins (brother and sister) slept together when they were teenagers. I guess they're Mormons and virginity is really sacred in their religion. She recently got married and gushed forth with a huge long speech about how important it is to keep yourself pure for your husband, so you can wear white on your wedding day.

5)Anneka's boyfriend wanks off in their sink at home to avoid crunchy sock syndrome; i.e. he doesn't fancy washing them after his boys have been all over his socks.

6) Mr. Fiddly, one of the engineers that consults for us, has a mail order bride from Thailand that he's bringing to the company Christmas party. I wonder if she'll bring her own ping pong balls...and do a Priscilla Queen of the Desert moment for horrified onlookers.

7) I've always been known as the Office Drunk because I go out on *gasp* weekdays, but Nobby my posh office mate has spent the last 2 days crying on her desk because she can't remember what she did/said to that man she met at the bar and dragged home. "brrrr errrr what must he huurrrrr wuuuu think of me? Howwww errrr mwuuuur shall he eurrrr respect me after this?" It's like sharing an office with Lady Chatterly.

6:47 p.m. - 2004-11-24

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