mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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The Apprentice

Ginger and I have been polishing up our joint future venture along the lines of "what're we going to do with our lottery money if we ever do win?"

We went through the usual things:

Keep a hired assassin on staff to punish all my enemies

Hire the entire cast of the O.C. to hang around my apartment and complain about Chino

Buy me a brewery, a tube and a funnel

Finally purchase that girly bike with the tasseled handlebars

Genetic experimentation to splice together the DNA of Kelly Ripa and Tori Spelling � to create a superblonde supervillain (with roots)

Quit our thankless jobs in a really showy manner "see this giant cheque here? It�s made out to me. Me I tell you! All. Mine. I�m going home with my giant cheque now and I hope to never taste your bland, soul-destroying coffee again"

Make our own home midget porn

Build the most massive house on the block, hire thugs to patrol the perimeter and blast "Jenny from the Block" at the neighbours

Spend my days writing complaint letters to Air Canada

Build a 40 ft. model of a Twinkie out of real angel food cake and cream

Then I thought "how can we improve our karma and increase our chances of winning?"

Good deeds, like getting our mates in on the action. It would be too easy to buy Playstation2s and cars and plastic surgery for all our friends, we wanted to find the gift that would make them smile every day: a fabulous new stress-free job.

And how could we possibly form one company with our winnings and hope to draw all our friends together?

A bar

Yesshhhhh. We decided to open a bar with the lottery winnings and offer outrageous wages to all our friends who fancied leaving their crap jobs for day upon day upon night upon night of drunkenness at work.

And the name....I can�t say what the name is....we still haven�t trademarked our company name but the domain�s still available. It�s like a synonym for Hootch Pussy....sort of.

Almost all our friends put their beers down long enough to fall in love with the idea and offered their services:

Drunkest friend, Chuck will be liquor buyer

Other drunkest friend, Ginger will be our spokesman, hanging around other bars and luring them away to Hootch Pussy

Strangest friend, Crispy will be President of Wet T-Shirt Night

Most stacked friend, J.J. will be a contestant for every wet t-shirt night

The twins, Ike and Mike will be bouncers

All the other girls will be table dancers

Then the office monkeys heard me talking about it over the phone and two of the Accounts Dept. minions asked to join in as beer bucket girls.

*ahem*

Hootch Pussy is not that sort of establishment.

8:21 a.m. - 2004-11-19

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