mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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Sins, Monkeys and Sex...but not sex with monkeys, that's a sin

Sloth is likely my deadly sin for this weekend, having holed myself up inside the apartment all weekend to avoid the snowstorm outside.

One undeniable fact about fucking Canada: we make snow like nobody else, except maybe Finland because they have real reindeer there to frolic in their foreign snow.

It's obvious now that the cabin fever has set in and I shall shortly be naming all my bars of soap and dancing nude on the balcony. Not. Quite. Yet.

I have finished my first sock monkey in a series of six never to be repeated monkeys with tumours on them. I'm quite proud that it took me two weeks of careful sewing to achieve what many six year olds do in an afternoon at primary school. This first one's a portrait of Mr. Kellogg, the famous cereal baron and supporter of complex carbohydrates. He's holding a Christmas wreath in his hand.

OK OK so it wasn't all lazing around in flannel pyjamas then, I did manage to go for our usual Friday night drinks. Since C-cup is out of town for two weeks, we thought "whew! finally we can get some action wit da menz". I was so wrong.

C-cup's favourite pick-up line is "I've heard that I'm amazing in bed. This'll be the best night of your life!" I can't believe she lays this shit down and still manages to get lucky all the time.

My tried and tested line, which has always worked for me is more like "Do you have a watch? Could you tell me the time?".

Instead of crowds of frustrated men flocking towards us, we got a hippy couple trying to take me home to their tent/cardboard box/mud hut:

Scabby: I've just returned from 7 months in Honduras and Guatamala. Wanna look? I've still got scars from my staphylococcyl infection.

Onion: How fascinating!

...and a persistent man with a finger cast trying it on with three of my mates at once, certain that he'd get lucky with someone at the table.

Given the unpredictibility of the general public, I wish I'd thought of a
sex contract first. After carefully entering my possible activities on a date, I received this output:

SEXUAL CONTRACT FOR A MALE:

I hereby certify that I possess the intellectual and emotional maturity required to consent to sex. I have not in any way been coerced into signing this form, and I have not received, and do not expect to receive, any payment or remuneration whatsoever for performing the specified sex acts. I am 18 years or older and am not intoxicated with alcohol or drugs. Though I offer this form as consent to sex, I reserve the right to withdraw consent at any time, verbally, in writing, gesture, or any other clearly discernible means.

Kissing
I consent to being kissed on the mouth in the following manner: open-mouthed kissing with tongue, and heavy biting/nibbling. I consent to being kissed on the face and neck. I will hold the kisser harmless and blameless for any hickies sustained during the above-listed forms of kissing.

Touching
I consent to being touching in the following manner: on my chest inside of my clothes, on my buttocks outside of my clothes, and on my crotch inside of my clothes.

Oral Sex
I hereby give consent to oral sex (fellatio) being performed on me. If I receive fellatio, I agree not to ejaculate in my partner's mouth. I consent to having oral sex performed on my anus (analingus).

Genital-to-Genital Contact without Penetration (Outercourse)
I consent to genital-to-genital contact, not including penetration (outercourse).

Vaginal Penetration
I consent to penetrate my partner's vagina with my penis. While penetrating my partner's vagina I agree to use a condom. While penetrating my partner's vagina I agree not to ejaculate within the vagina.

Anal Penetration
I consent to being anally penetrated by 4 fingers. I consent to being anally penetrated by sex toys. I consent to being anally penetrated with a dildo. I consent to to being anally penetrated with a butt plug. I do not consent to penetrate my partner's anus with my penis.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases
I have now, or have had in the past, the following STDs:
1) Herpes
2) Syphilis
3) Gonorrhea
4) Genital or Anal Warts
5) Chlamydia
6) HIV/AIDS
7) Hepatitis
8) Yeast Infection

Birth Control
I agree to use the following forms of birth control: condom, and/or I am sterile.

Signed by: ___________________________________
Print name: ___________________________________
Date: ___________________________________

8:42 p.m. - 2004-10-17

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