mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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The Year in Review

another angst-filled missive: Holiday Edition!

Company Christmas parties have to be right up there on the list of methods of torture alongside thumbscrews, Chinese water torture, and flogging. If only they gave us a choice, some sort of alternative:

CEO: Right, all you office monkeys have two choices this year: attend the 50�s-themed staff Christmas Party or eat your own arm. It�s up to you; I�m sure you�ll all make a wise decision.

For the past 3 Christmases I�ve been with this company, I�ve had me tits hoicked up in a scratchy, strapless formal gown, only to be met with comments like:

Marketing Manager: phwoar! If only I was 40 years younger � the things I would do to you.

Put your Viagra back in your pocket, old man.

Thank fuck there was a free bar.

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Completely unrelated:

It�s that time of year that makes me, and thousands of idea-starved pundit types fancy doing a review of 2004, to investigate the idea that we have grown and learned something throughout the last 12 months. In an effort to present at least one intelligent diary post, here's a short list of items that have intrigued and titillated my sad little mind in 2004.

2004 � The Year of the Dyslexic Marmot

JANUARY

NASA�s spacecraft, MER-A lands on Mars.

Dr. Harold Shipman (aka Dr. Death), the U.K.�s most prolific serial killer, commits suicide in prison.

Betty christens her new ship, �the Queen Mary II�

Ben Affleck pisses off Yemeni Prince during his visit to the Persian Gulf. A bodyguard quickly corrected him on not showing the soles of his feet. Says Ben: "I thought I was being terrorised on the spot�.

Onion still burning with shame after GoGo dancing on table at friend�s New Year�s party, resulting in the death of many wine glasses. Purchase an �I�m So Sorry� present for the hostess.

Onion tries dating a recent graduate of an anger management course.

FEBRUARY

The County of San Francisco issues marriage licenses to same-sex couples flouting presidential disapproval.

Riots break out between police and Aboriginal residents on Feb. 14 outside Redfern Station, Sydney, sparked by the death of teenager T.J. Hickey. 18 year old Hickey was allegedly chased by a police car and subsequently impaled on a fence.

A giant rat explodes in Bodo, Norway and short-circuits the town�s entire power supply.

The U.S. government ends it�s 23 year ban on travel to Libya.

Onion flies to Vancouver to spend Valentines Day with Diane and her new French flatmate, Vovotte after running away from Angry Boyfriend. Spend the weekend excoriating the usefulness of boys, but it all turns out for the best as the 3 girls find a cozy middle eastern bakery on Main Street.

MARCH

Actor, chat show host, polymath, polylinguist and all round know-it-all Peter Ustinov passes away from heart failure in Switzerland. He was once asked what he would like it to read on his gravestone, to which Ustinov replied "Please keep off the grass".

John Kerry clinches the Democratic Party�s U.S. Presidential nomination.

The Republic of Ireland bans smoking in restaurant, bars and pubs.

Mr-Onion ponders the verities of life, the universe and everything and decides that Douglas Adams� answer is by far the most plausible. 42.

APRIL

The UN attempts to reunite the island of Cyprus, conducting twin referendums in both the Greek and Turkish parts. Although the Turks vote �yea�, the Greeks vote �nay�.

60 Minutes reveals the mistreatment of prisoners of war at Abu Ghraib.

Cosmetics tycoon, Estee Lauder, passes away in her Manhattan apartment at the age of 97.

Crispy takes full advantage of April Fool�s Day and fills a co-worker�s desk drawer with Jello � stapler trapped inside Jello.

Flatmate returns from a movie shoot in Austria, her luggage laden with smoked sausage (no that�s not a metaphor for anything naughty) and flavoured schnapps. Straight from the airport, she wants to go to the local pub for a pint of muchly-missed Canadian lager.

MAY

The much-awaited final episode of �Friends� airs on North American television. 50 million people chuckle quietly to themselves �thank fuck that�s over with then�.

The European Union extends it�s membership with an additional 10 countries: Poland, Lithuania, Lativia, Estonia, the Czech Republic, Slovenia, Hungary, Slovakia, Malta and Cyprus.

Indianapolis city officials revoke the liquor licence at The Ugly Monkey, because the bar allows it�s customers to strip, especially during the �Miss Schoolgirl� contest.

Prince Charles scolded by Scottish veteran for wearing the wrong kilt.

Mr-Onion decides to return to London after a veiled threat from Jimbo (�I�ll come over there and cut your tits off if you don�t visit me!�) and investigate her drinking threshold. Buys a ticket and starts building up lager tolerance in anticipation.

JUNE

�In what PR companies are calling a �publicity nightmare�, Nicole Kidman gets funky with 10-year-old boy in upcoming movie.�

Comic Book fans worldwide expound on the casting of Halle Berry for the movie version of Catwoman:
As far as casting decisions, Weber said Berry in a "scantily clad" Catwoman costume is a good thing.
"I don't get all wrapped up in it. I just want to see Halle Berry in the Catwoman costume," he said.

Kanye West, Damon Dash, Russell Simmons hold a hip hop convention at Ohio State University, encouraging young Americans to vote. Says Dash: "We are at the forefront of our culture and considered the coolest".

Crispy, Onion and Darren investigate the world of discarded items, desperately trying to find a submission for Found Magazine. Hoping for imminent discovery of mutilated corpses, they trawl back alleys and the riverside, and come up with: a paperclip, a used ribbed condom and a blank Post-It note. *chagrin *

JULY

A Health Canada survey reveals that �teens interviewed last year for the study said they enjoy school, get along with their parents, like to meet new people and don't often get depressed.� Lying bastards.

$3.6 million spent on a wall to keep frogs off Gainesville, FL highways. Prior to the construction of this wall, a U.S. Geological Survey staffer spent a whole year counting roadkill on the 441 motorway. Imagine the fun you could have describing your job to friends at the pub.

Onion joins 14 other friends for a weekend at the lake, where we encounter �The Dis Helmet�. It�s the insult version of the swear jar; anyone caught insulting someone else is made to wear the helmet until the next asshole opens their mouth.

Onion is stood up for a date on Canada Day because W is claiming that he has recently become gay and this emerging fact forced him to cancel.

AUGUST

Ballsy thieves steal Edvard Munch�s The Scream and other paintings in broad daylight from the Munch Museum in Oslo.

The 2004 Summer Olympics takes place in Athens: home of Nana Mouskouri, Yianni and other musical travesties.

Rick James dies of cardiac failure, and NOT heaping doses of Wellbutin, Vicodin, methamphetamine, cocaine, Xanax, Valium, Chlorphenimamine and Digoxin, in his L.A. home. R.I.P. Rick.

Onion celebrates the best month of the year by having a birthday! And singing �Happy Birthday to Me� over and over and over.

SEPTEMBER

George Michael finds a stalker living underneath his floorboards. She had survived for 4 days down there, patiently waiting for Michael to sing �Wake Me Up Before You Go Go�.

In Romania, a man had his testicles ripped off by his wife because she believed he was unfaithful.

YARR! I be tellin� all my landlubbin� friends about International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19.

Onion fucks off to London for 2 weeks to re-join her old mates for a good old-fashioned spot of binge drinking. Craig subsequently has liver failure and has to drop out of commission for a few days.

OCTOBER

Onlookers at the Apollo Theater learn that Al Green goes commando, after his stunning performance with his fly undone.

Legendary BBC 1 Radio DJ, John Peel dies from a sudden heart attack while on a working holiday in Peru. Tributes pour in from around the world.

A 42 year old man in Queensland, Australia dies after accidentally stabbing himself in the groin. What to write on the gravestone?

Mr-Onion frightens audience at local bar with her slurred version of Harry Belafonte�s �Jump in the Line� at karaoke night. Karaoke DJ has to stop the song mid-way.

NOVEMBER

Band Aid�s 20 year old charity song, �Do They Know It�s Christmas� is re-recorded by current pop stars and unleashed on an innocent populace, featuring the vocal stylings of Damon Albarn, sensitive Coldplay guy, Sugababes and that old has-been Bono amongst others. Bob Geldof and Midge Ure could�ve chosen the easier route with �GIVE US ALL YER MONEY OR I�LL FOOKIN� SING!�

Yasser Arafat passes away in France after a protracted illness.

U.S. Presidential Election results cause two-headed calves to be born, milk to curdle, Rick James� ghost to appear to KFC employees and general shaking of heads.

Causing Onion to seriously consider moving to Brazil, as Canada�s too close to Georgie and his grubby, oil stained hands.

DECEMBER

We�ll have to wait and see what the last month of the year has to offer � I�m scared already.

5:55 p.m. - 2004-12-05

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