mr-onion's Diaryland Diary

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100 Bits About the Author

1. I was born on August 2.

2. So that makes me one of those pushy Leo�s you hear about.

3. I am a youngest child, which means the family is anxiously awaiting my inevitable plunge into a life of crime. It�s almost as bad as being one of those fucked up middle children.

4. I think I have synaesthesia: I forget something but I remember that the thought of it smelled like pea soup, and it makes me remember. I hear food, I see sounds, I see dead people (OK that last one was a boldfaced lie).

5. Jobs that I�ve never included on my resume: telephone surveyor, bartender, CSR at a bank, receptionist for a transsexual call girl, restaurant hostess, KFC cook, back-up dancer for a cabaret act, telephone/tv installer at a hospital, mouse killer at the Food Bank.

6. My measure of friendliness when I meet new people: I play them the Getting To Know You Song by Carmen Miranda, �I Yi Yi Yi Yi I Like You Very Much�.

7. A number of men have scarpered after hearing the �Getting To Know You Song�.

8. My hangover song is �Everybody Loves a Lover� by Doris Day. If you sing it out loud on the street it only takes you til the end of the song to feel like yourself again. Dale and I spent a lot of Sundays walking down the street singing that song.

9. The only time I ever successfully frightened a beggar off: HomelessMan: "Hey can you spare some change?" Me: "Hey! You look familiar � are you my baby�s daddy?"

10. Number of people who�ve asked me if I paint my freckles on every morning: 2

11. I like people who smell like coffee.

12. I have never learnt how to drive, joining the ranks of such illustrious celebrities as: David Sedaris, Ron Sexsmith and John Lee Hooker, except without my own limo driver.

13. Number of parakeets I have buried: 6

14. I am a vegetarian who nevertheless eats crap: someone at work came up with the idea of deep-fried soup the other day and I immediately thought "mmmm, I�d order that at a restaurant"

15. Number of times when I had short hair that I was mistaken for a young boy: 9

16. I have blood type B negative - supposedly rare - so if anybody out there needs a pint or two, just ask.

17. The best holiday I ever had was my magical mystery 22nd birthday trip to San Francisco on a whim. I�d never been there before. It was a city of full of energy and unexpected kindness from strangers, like the German tourists who shared the hostel room with me � they found out I was spending my birthday alone and gave me a bag of tortilla chips.

18. My favourite biscuits to dip in tea are Milk Chocolate Hobnobs and Custard Creams.

19. I hate glasses of water because they taste like nothing � so I have to keep Ribena on hand to avoid dying of dehydration.

20. Number of ex-boyfriends that have asked me to seek psychiatric help: 5

21. Number of ex-boyfriends that have asked to borrow my lipstick: 2

22. I don�t own a camera and always use disposables because there�s no pressure to take good photos and I can always blame the bad ones on the camera.

23. I keep a running list in my head of the worst days of my life to avoid feeling sorry for myself. When times are bad, I look over that list in my head and say "Thank fuck it�s not as bad as that day my shoes fell apart while walking home crying after working a double shift and having my wallet stolen".

24. Not a single friend of mine knows the URL to this diary, so "shhhhhhh � this is just between me and you, OK?"

25. I look forward with glee to Britney and Kevin Federline�s divorce.

26. I used to let cute boys cheat off my exams in high school.

27. In primary school/junior high , I learned to play the recorder, ukelele, keyboards, flute and piccolo but I never got really good at any of them.

28. My greatest talent has to be long distance donut detecting. After living next to a donut factory , I can smell them from miles away.

29. When I get cravings for squeezy cheez (in a tube like toothpaste) I tilt my head back and squeeze the entire thing empty in one go and try to close my mouth.

30. I spent the last 3.5 years living alone in a flat.

31. This was after years of living with: 1) panty sniffing landlord 2) Shouty Trudy who had vodka every morning for breakfast 3) junkies who stole from me 4) sniveling Naomi who spent an entire day at the Kevin Costner Film Festival while I was busy transmitting bedbugs from my sleeping bag onto her pillow 5) Dirty Dick the pervy landlord who stood at the bottom of the stairs and watched me walk upstairs whenever I wore a skirt 6)Jacques the Crab who despises Leos. 7) Contagious Tom who never told anybody in the house that he caught scabies off a bike courier 8)James the goth who stood over our beds at night watching us sleep and doing god-knows-what with his hands at the time. We did eventually find that stash of bestiality porn in his room. 9) American Jeff: the obsessive compulsive handwasher.

32. Agnes has written a screenplay about some of these flatmates with my encouragement � she needs to sell this as a horror movie to avenge our suffering. And now I live with a lovely friend who doesn�t need instruction on the use of soap.

33. Number of New Year�s Eve parties where I�ve found myself dancing around, spinning with my arms in the air, going "woo!": 3

34. Number of times I�ve put in a requisition to have a mirror ball hung in my office: 7

35. I speak to inanimate objects in hopes that they will hear me screaming "open up mister jar of pickles or you�ll meet my wrath".

36. I can remember loads of numbers that I�ve only seen once but can never remember people�s names.

37. At parties, I usually look over at those kitchen-chatting people with envy. I feel like I should stay in the �designated party area�.

38. I have dated a few men but never a redhead; I have a friend who has a phobia about redheaded men.

39. The only movie that makes me cry is �Diva� by Jean-Jacques Beineix. It involves a stolen cassette tape, a lovelorn Postal worker, a Caribbean prostitution ring and a stuffy opera singer.

40. Watching the movie "Fargo" is like a high school reunion for me; Big Hair Perm Hell.

41. I am a filthy smoker but I do not kill people with my secondhand smoke. My friends are making me quit before Christmas this year so that I will live long enough to push them around in wheelchairs in our old age and I will probably have them put in diapers and committed to the Springfield Retirement Home if they harp on at me again about the smoking.

42. I read every night before going to bed. I'm reading "Life of Pi" right now. "...but I love Canada. It is a great country much too cold for good sense, inhabited by compassionate, intelligent people with bad hairdos."

43. I get secondhand symptoms when a friend is ill, like when Stu had a kidney operation a while back, my kidneys hurt for a week.

44. I am also a sympathetic cryer � big girl's blouse that I am.

45. Number of uncles I have that are David Suzuki stalkers: 1

46. Number of ex-boyfriends that have turned into stalkers: 2

47. I listen into other people's conversations on the bus, so maybe you shouldn't be talking about your colonic irrigation on public transport - I could be riding on YOUR bus.

48. I don't really like summertime and usually avoid the sun because it makes me sweaty. This makes me an absolute bastard to go on holiday with.

49. Favourite drinking song of all time: Golden Brown by The Stranglers.

50. My New Year's Eve midnight song this year was "Cameltoe" by Fannypack.

51. Like many other millions of people, I played Prince's 1999 on the millenium eve.

52. I have no coordination at all but I can play a mean air hockey.

53. Number of times I have smirked to myself after watching a skater wipe out on the street: 33,762

54. I am a bad phoner-backer. Don't wanna talk on the phone. It's painful trying to keep the momentum of a conversation going. In person is much easier.

55. The only reason I write this diary is because my friends are sick of listening to my stupid stories and I'm pretty sure I have ADD so it's 7 topics per minute. I have no main purpose or any demons to exorcise.

56. I only try not to become one of those self loathing goth types because no one wants to read about my issues with dental floss, that's just bad manners and lack of oral hygiene on my part.

57. Number of times I have dyed my hair black: 2

58. I prefer to focus on tiny little particles of stupidness every day to avoid examining the bad bits of the world.

59. Number of times I have dyed my hair purple: 4

60. My friends tell me I look like Hello Kitty because I have big eyes and an X for a mouth.

61. I write like a 16 year old but I swear I am a functional adult. To be grown up would be to lose hundreds of opportunities to gasp "Like, how fucking retarded is that?" Every. Single. Day.

62. My best dream ever: room mates and I lived in a house on the beach. We woke up one morning and ran to the edge of the water and set up our folding table for breakfast. Out of nowhere, all these Mer-men come swimming out of the ocean, holding bottles of champagne in their scaly little hands. We acted as if this was a regular occurrence and carried on eating our breakfast with the Mer-men.

63. Though last night I dreamt I was at home looking in a mirror, and my reflection was a cartoon me; I suppose it was just a flashback from that A-ha video for "Take on me".

64. Number of Scandinavian ex-boyfriends I have had because of that A-ha video: 2

65. Number of times I�ve done my impersonation of Timmy from South Park after a few too many pints: 15

66. Number of people who�ve landed on this diary after Googling for cripple porn: 3

67. I�m afraid the diary name is unconnected with cripple porn: try J.G. Ballard as a search item next time! Cripple Mister Onion is a card game played mostly by Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg, though sometimes by wizards as well.

68. Contents of handbag after one particularly fun Halloween night: two Bacardi maracas, one fake tattoo, one stolen ashtray with butts.

...yes i know it's not 100 bits yet but i'll keep working on it

10:52 p.m. - 2004-10-11

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